Something that fascinates me is how much we women feel we have to please. We carry our children within us for hundreds of days. We give birth to them – in one violent way or another. And then we find ourselves in the far too under-discussed fourth trimester, which can last up to two years before body and mind are fully balanced again. And yet, we can find it hard to assert our needs.

Let me be clear:

If you don't feel up to visitors in the beginning – politely decline.

If you need a shower or sleep – and have a partner – then they should change the nappy. Take the pram. Even if the baby cries. It's not solely your job to learn how to comfort.

And on that note: Consider how you can share the responsibility for feeding the baby. I know it can be controversial. If it works for you to handle all feedings yourself, I'll dance a tribute dance for you. But if you're not there – explore your options – maybe you can learn to pump so others can give a bottle now and then?

I had my breast tissue preventatively removed to avoid hereditary disease, so we gave Carlo formula milk. That didn't make me less of a mother. There can actually be a freedom in that.

I don't want to tell you what to do. Feel yourself. Feel your child. Listen to the skilled health visitors we are lucky to have.

But I do want to open up the conversation. The model for pregnancy and motherhood has been one-sided for many years. I myself have strayed a bit from the path. Used my partner more than I see many others do. Explored alternatives when I was told: “That's just how it is for us women.” And I'm really glad I did.

Google. Be critical of sources. Listen to your network. Carefully try things out with common sense and your child's well-being as your guiding star.